How are we even in February already? My nan spent all of January complaining that it was lasting forever, what was she even talking about?! It flew by!
I wanted to do a sort of ‘check in’ on my 2019 goals but realised I never told anybody what they were so I guess I’ll just do that now yeah? Every new year I have basically set the same type of goals;
•lose weight and consequently unleash my perfect body
•drink 2l organic sugar free health water daily
•run a million miles
•read scriptures and pray constantly
•achieve an unassisted forearm stand and become a master yogi
You get the point. 27 years into life and I haven’t achieved any of those things 🙄 although I got pretty close with the forearm stand in 2017. You know how at the end of every year you get that same old restart feeling? You just know that the next ones going to be ‘your one’ and by February you’re just like ‘yeah well next year will be my year’ well I SWEAR 2019 is mine 😂 my one and only focus this year is healing 💛 to recover from all the things that make me (as the Peaky blinders would say) sick in the head. Although that makes it sound really dramatic. But yeah, I’m working on my mental health this year.
From a medical point of view, I’m formally diagnosed with anxiety and panic disorder (I hate the word disorder btw) and bulimia. But there’s a whole lot of other stuff going on up there. I have bouts of depression although they don’t last a massively long time, I get quite manic obsessive and have to have things in a certain order. A few different people have said this is OCD but I think it’s just part of anxiety. But like everything HAS to be in the right place mun. Like why would you put something where it doesn’t belong?! So frustrating 🙄 I’ve struggled with self harm although it’s been around 8 months now where I haven’t given in to that urge. I think a lot of it is just triggered by anxiety though.
So from a checking in point of view; I’m doing pretty good! As with any big goal, success is usually achieved by reaching smaller goals in relation to it. So I’m working on the little things. Now that I’ve recovered from my c section I’m back at the gym lifting all the things. This really helps the anxiety thanks to all the happydorphins and let’s face it, the hour by myself when I live with five men is the stuff of dreams. I’m reading loads of really good books. The self help kind. I’m not a fan of story books so much (with the exception of Harry Potter obviously) I’m currently reading ‘just eat it’ by Laura Thomas as an aid to implementing intuitive eating in my life. I’ve banished diet culture and call that shit out whenever I see it. (I plan on writing a post about diet culture and my eating disorder separate to this so not much detail here.) I’m working on my people problems too. In the smallest ways. Like for example, 2018 Hannah would have walked all the way to the gym, taken a sneaky look through the window to see who was there and if there was anybody there (literally one single person) she would have walked all the way back home. And then spend the day frustrated because She hadn’t trained and then queue bulimia. Sounds fun right?! But 2019 Hannah wants to get her shit together. So now I just skip looking in the window and just go straight in. I’ve noticed I’m okay training properly if the person there is a complete stranger but if I know who they are I tend to reign it in abit. Treadmill, rower, basic lifts etc BUT I don’t leave anymore. And slow progress is progress right?
Also, still In relation to people. I’ve gotten rid of a few. Family, ‘friends’, and just random people that bring toxicity into my life. Negative Nancy’s, gossipy Glendas, judgy judys have all got to go and I’m not even sorry. Sometimes I think I should be sad because I’ve ended some pretty long relationships doing this but it’s just brought so much clarity and allowed room for so much more. So if I’ve not spoken to you since 2018 it’s because 2019 Hannah doesn’t need you holding her back anymore. K. 👋
I think though, the biggest factor that will determine my success is accepting that healing is not linear and I will definitely have slip ups. And I’ll experience not great days or situations. But I’ve gotten rid of the black and white thinking. I’m living in the grey zone now people. There is nuance in recovery and I’m accepting that. Not dwelling on mistakes or writing off an entire day as a bad one because I had an anxious hour. It’s time to grow 🙌🏼